I forgot that if a friend of mine posts a picture of you, I still see it, even though I blocked you years ago.
I stared at your face to memorize it again so maybe I won’t jump at anyone with your general profile—maybe I’ll only jump when it’s actually you.
Maybe some day I’ll be able to see you without feeling sick, but today is not that day. Maybe some day I won’t twitch at the sound of a fast-paced nasally voice, won’t flinch away from the boy with the glasses and dirty blond hair. Maybe one day you’ll stop haunting me in subtle ways that nonetheless rip at my sanity, bit by bit.
But today is not that day…
I don’t know how to exist without you any more.
Re-posting this in my new formatting style :3
See yourself through my eyes.
(trying something new with formatting. let me know if you prefer posts like this!)
I used to think that crying was the ultimate sign of weakness. I went to extreme measures so I wouldn’t shed a tear, and if I ever did, I made sure no one knew about it. Why would anyone want me if I wasn’t strong?
(Why would anyone want me at all? my selfhate whispers. I’m still trying to find answers.)
But my plans went awry. When I let you past my walls and into my heart, things changed. The tears that I had held back for years suddenly all came forth at once over the most ridiculous things. Where I had never cried before, I now cried frequently in front of you, exposing you to my weaknesses and my faults, showing you that I am not the unbreakable stronghold I like to pretend that I am.
The strange thing is that you still haven’t left.
(Why would I ever want to leave you at all? you ask, and before I can start to list off faults, you kiss me into silence.)
You’re the perfect Sun
And I am merely a weed.
If I can sunbathe,
I promise I’ll try
To blossom as a flower
Worthy of your light.
You are the brightest star in my sky, and I—I am a flickering street lamp merely dreaming of the cosmos, waxing and waning on a dirty street, using your shine to brighten my bulb, waiting until you move on to a different, more beautiful sky; waiting until I flicker out, as is my destiny.
"How did you know you were in love?"
I paused before replying.
"Our future shifted from ‘if’ to ‘when.’"
You say I’m smart.
I say, I get lost in my own city, I’m an idiot.
(I drove out of this town when I meant to drive down the street.)
You say I’m beautiful.
I say, then why do I want to smash my mirrors?
(I won’t, because seven years’ bad luck means losing you.)
You say I’m thin.
I say, my stomach will never be flat.
(If only I didn’t have so many organs in the way.)
You say I’m strong.
I say, I wish.
(I’m almost crying because I miss you and it hasn’t even been long since I last kissed you and I don’t sleep right without you anymore.)
You say I make you happy.
I say, how?
(I can’t even make myself happy.)
You say you want to spend forever with me.
I say: don’t.
(You’ll regret it, I promise.)